Music Jokes: Viola

You didn’t think I was going to finish this series without viola jokes did you!

No. In fact, I’ve got a particularly long one this time.
It’s in two sections, the short jokes, and then (after the break), some longer jokes. I personally think the longer jokes are actually better, although the viola jokes are particularly good when compared to other instruments.
How is lightning like a violist’s fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it “solo.”
What’s the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key and they don’t know when to come in.
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.
Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it’s too late to do anything about it.
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it’s coming, there’s nothing you can do about it.
What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They’re both offensive and inaccurate.
What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.
Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!
If you’re lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he’s carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he’s carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
Why can’t you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
Both are paid to fake climaxes.
How does a violist’s brain cell die?
Alone.
How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What’s the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.
What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy [a piece of music featuring a long viola solo]
How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
What’s the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
  1. half a measure
  2. a semi-tone

What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
  1. A prostitute knows more than two positions.
  2. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
  1. Shoot 11 of them.
  2. Shoot all of them.
  3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?

Cross the break to get the longer jokes. Continue reading

Music Jokes: Guitars & Modern Music

For the final section in this series of jokes about music and musical instruments, I’m moving on to more modern styles of music.
Before we start on this, I’m just going to give you a run down of what we’ve done so far:
General Music Jokes
Conductors
Strings
Woodwind & Brass
Percussion
Vocalists

And now on to the final post of the series on musical jokes.

 

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What’s the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs.
I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.
As always, please leave comments, what were your favourite jokes, what didn’t you like? Do you know any others?
Thanks for sticking through all these, and if you haven’t, then I recommend you do. Musical jokes in general are really funny (although some of them require a level of musical knowledge), and I’ve picked only the best of the best.
If you liked these, then please subscribe by RSS, or by email so you can keep up to date with all of my posts.

Music Jokes: Vocalists

We’re starting this series of musical jokes back up with vocalists. This includes jokes that relate to professionals, and some jokes that are specific to amateur singers. I think that these are actually really good.
You can see the previous post, on percussion, here.

What’s the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What’s the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.
What’s the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.
What’s the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
What’s the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They can’t get that high.
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven’t been touched.
What’s the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don’t be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
What is the difference between the men’s final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.
As always, please leave comments, what were your favourite jokes, what didn’t you like? Do you know any others?
Come back in three days for the conclusion to my series of musical jokes.

Music Jokes: Percussion

Now we’re onto the bangers of the orchestra. These guys don’t have many jokes either, although the ones there are are quite good.
You can see the previous section, on Woodwind & Brass, here.
What are we at now? Part 5 of the musical jokes series?

 

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don’t have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

 

I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.
As always, please leave comments, what were your favourite jokes, what didn’t you like? Do you know any others?
I’m going to give it a rest for a little while now, come back on the 17th for the next section.

Music Jokes: Woodwind & Brass

Here’s where my own instrument comes into play in this series of jokes about musical instruments.
Have a look at the section on Strings here.
Unfortunately, I didn’t find very many clarinet jokes, but there was one in particular that I loved.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he’ll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one. [I love this one, as a clarinetist I know it’s SO true]
What’s the definition of “nerd?”
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
How do you know a clarinet player is playing loud?
You can almost hear them.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Why can’t a gorilla play trumpet?
He’s too sensitive.
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn’t.
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
These two tuba players walk past a bar…
Well, it could happen! [emphasis mine

I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.
Please leave comments, and come back in three days for the next post.

Music Jokes: Strings

Next up in our ongoing series of musical jokes is the string section.
See the section on conductors here.
I’ve left out the viola, because there are just two many viola jokes to fit in this section.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high!
Why don’t viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
How do you get a ‘cellist to play fortissimo?
Write “pp, espressivo”
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

 

There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people’s IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, “Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here.” So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

 

Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, “Jeez! I think this guy’s IQ must be about 29!” He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, “You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while.” 

After the bartender left, the man at the table said, “So do you play French bow or German bow?” 

 

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, “If that’s my agent, tell him I’m working!”
I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.
Please leave comments, and come back in three days for the next post.

http://zagorath.blogspot.com/2010/11/music-jokes-conductors.html

Music Jokes: Conductors

This is the second part of a series of posts which are simply lists of musical jokes.
See the first part here.
After general music jokes, I thought the conductor would be appropriate to make fun of, standing up there waving his stick about.

 

What do do with a horn player that can’t play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can’t do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
“Mommy,” said the little girl, “can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?”
“Of course you can.” her mother replied. “How do you think conductors are made?” 

What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back

Why is a conductor like a condom?
It’s safer with one, but more fun without.

What’s the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.

How to irritate the conductor
  1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
  2. Look the other way just before cues.
  3. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
  4. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
  5. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
  6. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don’t have the music.
  7. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
  8. Tell the conductor, “I can’t find the beat.” Conductors are always sensitive about their “stick technique”, so challenge it frequently.
  9. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask “Is this the first time you’ve conducted this piece?”
  10. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you’ll never be able to play it. Don’t say anything: make him wonder.
  11. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
  12. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
  13. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
I found all of these jokes on the website http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/
Visit it if you want to see even more musical jokes. I just thought these were the best.
Please leave comments, and come back in three days for the next post.